life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
Well how sick are u. Ive got a good immune system.
I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
Just spent the last three hours in the library successfully refreshing facebook
She grabbed both of our dicks in the pool then said repeatedly, "this is my dream, this is my dream,"
I HOPE YOURE READY TO KICK SOME SERIOUS ASS AT TRIVIA NIGHT TOMORROW NIGHT. also, i hope the birth of your niece goes well. BUT MOSTLY TRIVIA NIGHT.
I'd return your shirt, but it got all wet from lying on the bathroom floor while I was in the shower with Justin's roommate...
Keep it.
One good thing about being really drunk when you go out to dinner is that the leftovers are a surprise. These quesadillas had shrimp in them! Who knew?
I decided staying home, watching porn and masterbating was a much better choice than the gym. And I was right.
We were taking body shots by lunch. I love college.
Happy "I'm glad our dad made us sisters and then summarily downgraded himself to sperm donor" day.
Pretty sure I got pink eye from the strip club. There is also still beer cans rattling around in my shower.
You kept pointing at me and saying I'm getting chicken parmesan and no one is going to stop me
There's a guy in a plaid shirt running around asking everyone if they want to head butt him
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Randomize
