My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
woke up rolled in a yoga mat listening to enya. I'm never going back to Oregon ever again.
Some creeps at the festival started talking to me, so I told them I was going change my tampon. Worked like a charm.
please just be careful, i just switched my facebook status to "in a relationship", i would look really pathetic if i had to change it back to "single" already
Handcuffed. To. Steering. Wheel. Fuck.
She was like the Rudy of blow jobs... SO much effort into it
dude, I'm passing out in the fifth floor janitors closet. Let me know when the rooms opened back up
It just gets louder and louder too...dear god. Her poor vagina.
you are not perverted enough for this relationship to work out.
She is sending me pics of her sex faces...which totally counts as sexting in my book
Sorry I invoked the "everyones getting smacked including myself policy last night"
well my grandpa saw your dick pic, so why don't you tell me how my day is going
So what's your itinerary for Amsterdam?
Show up, get drunk, get laid, try not to miss my flight home.
Saw a sign that said the chorus of never gonna give you up was enough time to wash your hands. Coronavirus has Rick rolled me.
Randomize
