The guy next to me is watching porn. EVERYTIME I COME TO THE LIBRARY SOME RANDOM GUY NEXT TO ME LOOKS AT PORN.
totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
how do you wash the taste of whore out of your mouth?
they found her hiding behind the couch trying to feed a cabbage patch doll a bottle of tequila. please tell me she's on birth control.
i was staring at it trying to desperately see a vagina
I have now hooked up with 8 of the Apostles. I have no idea where I'm going to find a guy named Bartholomew.
on the list of things i learned today that are not stripper poles: ex-boyfriends, table legs, and police officers.
i fell out of the car and didnt spill my drink. come overrrr
truly a win in your book
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
Its 8 in the morning and I wouldn't pass a breathalyzer test, How's your day been?
Well, she yelled at the stripper that she couldn't lick whipped cream off his nipples because she is lactose intolerant.
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
New Serial podcast is out. We can listen to it tonight instead of having sex.
Was reaching for my vibrator this morning out of my nightstand and strained my neck muscle. I'm getting so old.
I just went to cvs and bought condoms, handcuffs and a coloring book
Randomize
