I'm drinking while I write this paper. When I can't see the screen anymore I'm gonna come out
What I thought it would be sexy pouring melted chocolate down here chest, ended up in second degree burns. Hot food and sex do not mix.
Thru out the entire phone conversation I went from thinking: he's making a gay come-on, to he's trying to sell me drugs, before realizing he was offering me a job with an internet company. Things are gonna be awkward in class this week.
nothing worse than sitting down ready for a solid porn sesh to find out your internet is out. comcast owes me a handjob
We just ended up getting drunk and doing field sobriety tests on each for practice... No one remembers who passed.
Just so were clear I meant the head your face is on
Obviously a higher power wants us to be sunday drunk together
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
He threw me over his shoulder and carried me outside, all the while drinking from the bottle of rum he was holding, while my ex watched. I'm winning the break-up.
I ate 1200 calories worth of chocolate covered marshmallows and googled why it is okay to be single forever
Hey now one little girl thought it was cool I was covered in blood. Apparently according to her Mom she wants to be a surgeon when she grows up
Until you've snorted cocaine at 6am before your nursing school clinicals birthing babies you're not on my level
You kept running around yelling "I need my pajamas" & then you got naked. Shit just went downhill from there.
Omfg 7 hour sex session who am I?
PS: I think I'm in love
Ability to walk tomorrow tbd
She called me at 2am crying because her late night booty call moved out of state
Randomize
