You smell like a Billy Joel song
I was just like staring at the lawn boy while singing "You Belong With Me".
I am the king of creep.
Is it proper Ass-Fingering-Etiquette to tell her u felt her poop or just pretend it didn't happen?
i just got the best bj of my life in the pastors office at church.. Youre right jesus really does love me.
i am breaking up with you. because you wash your hair too much and you only drink light beer and because you're not party enough.
I went outside for a smoke at 4 and things seemed normal. It's 6 now and the front lawn is COVERED in tortilla chips. WTF?
Fairly certain I called dibs on your lesbian virginity last night
I'm eating the rest of the Xmas shrooms and welcoming 2012 by communing with the pine cone.
I'm imaging you naked, covered in butter. And I gotta say, I'm not impressed.
Because everyone is allowed one half drunken 7:30 am walk back to campus in a cowgirl costume, right?
there is absolutely nothing wrong with two grown men staying up all night blowing lines drinking white wine and playing call of duty. don't judge me
Stumbled across a pregnancy test in my closet. Oh, the freshman year flashbacks..
I'm pretty sure NORMAL roommates don't have to hide each others sex toys from their fuck buddies.
I've turned into a small time drug dealer, now who's the real MVP.
Someone keeps hanging up bible verse posters in the bathroom stall I masturbate in at work.
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