I just bought a large Pizza and Xanex in the same store...my night is complete
I just learned you can mail a coconut. I'll be over in 3 days with the rum.
He's trying to kill me, one liver cell at a time. It's going to be a slow, but awesome death
We uncovered another pile of vomit after you left. And i am not talking about the one in the vase
We were running down las vegas boulevard at 8:30 am with our beers cause we were late for our flight
You started throwing frozen shot glasses at people and you kept saying "it's fine, they melt."
You're like the Mr. T of my A-team, only less gold jewelry and more pitying of fools.
That's the nicest thing anyone has said to me all day.
Just found my socks folded and in the back pocket of my jeans. Apparently drunk me refuses to lose shit after the panties incident over New Years.
i swear to god if you did anything to my honey bunches ill remove all the oats and shove them up your dickhole then play pinata with my foot to knock them all back out
just give up on your dreams and come get shit house drunk with me.
Yeah, oh and the story gets better. His friend was dressed as a christmas tree wrapped in twinkle lights and had to plug himself in the wall all night.
FYI telling a guy that you're glad his dick isn't big after giving him a bj, is NOT a compliment.
Matt is trying to convince me that we have a deal where if I show him my tits he won't do cocaine. Apparently we shook hands on it?
Just got my LSAT score...if you need me I'll be drunk in a ditch somewhere.
Youre saying I should leave him? Have you seen the dating pool these days? It's terrifying, and in the capital region it's straight Norman Bates
Randomize
