I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
OK...I gotta go get strawberry short cake cakes and knee pads
I just got three quarters of the way there before I realized I was way too stoned for class so I bought a smoothie and walked home.
bubblegum was invented today. we're getting drunk. end of story.
She nearly killed the mood when she said "Don't cum on my spray tan"
Don't be offended. I can't even stand sleeping next to my dildo after I'm done, let alone a whole person.
Also, last night I had a dream that I was in a victoria's secret fashion show and they made me wear a t-shirt over my lingerie. Spring dieting begins now.
If people don't want my drunken phone call then TAKE YOUR FUCKING NUMER OFF OF FACEBOOK, like it's just that easy...
I'm excited I love mornings when I'm not sober
Uhh I just had to break up with a guy who I didn't even know I was dating...
So you broke your ribs while fucking? Dude you just got about 25% hotter.
So when did "Are you okay?" translate into "Don't tell me you got fucked by another rando after another rager"?
I'm not drinking for the rest of the week. I need discipline, celery, dick, and a bible.
Can I bother you for a second.
You always bother me but go on.
Like at first he was barely doing anything. So I was like harder and then holy shit he's like going all HULK SMASH on my vagina. I mean it felt fucking awesome. BUT STILL
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