How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
She goes outside, smokes 2 cigarettes, and insists on walking up the 7 flights of stairs so that her heart stays in shape. this woman is crazy.
How are you feeling today?
i could've thrown up on command at any point today...
I had to close one eye to read the questions on my final this morning. That hungover.
booty call hours are between 1:30-3:00 AM thurs-sat with the exception of major drinking holidays and election days. please try again
Just think, this time last Cinco de Mayo you were holding me up and finding me passed out in the yard of that house.
If you didn't damage your room so much from fucking so hard we would have got more of our security deposit back
I resent that
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
You rang?
Saw a ginger and the first thing I thought of doing was yelling "you have no soul!" so I called you so we can yell it together with you on speakerphone.
her vagina just converted me to Judaism.
if i can hear my landlord's phone ring you think be can hear my vibrator?
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
I've never been so tempted to check my phone during sex in my life.
I had a dream last night that I met Diplo. Now I'm just sad
wheres my face? and why is my pocket so big?
Randomize
