3 of us had 22 margaritas. Hellllllo yellow cab. Goodbye morals.
You know how I know he's a virgin? He's wearing transition lenses.
4pm on a Sunday....roomate fucking like a wildabeast while I have a organic chemistry study group in my kitchen.
we've got reservations. ask for the eat a bag of dicks table
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Ima go for a jog. and I'm going to jog until I throw up a lung. then I'll crawl home.
i don't think they understood the house was collapsing. they kept dancing and jumping and asking for more cups.
Breaking into his house to steal the sheets I'd drunk pissed on before he got home was not how I wanted to be spending spring break
I woke up naked to an alarm set for 11:18 pm and missing a shoe. How was your night?
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
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But I've also made plans to crash a black tie event wearing a storm trooper helmet. I think I've found the love of my life..
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
apparently I kept repeating I have a to do list this summer and he's on it
So now I'm just going to brush my teeth, get high, and go to sleep. Like an adult
Umm my dog ate your vibrator. Sorry 😬
She sent a group text pic called "Assemble" of his dick next to her forearm.
I'm down.
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