Today I realized that I've had whole drunk relationships with people. And sober me has and wants no part in it.
Whoa! I think of you when I eat cottage cheese.
i dont think duct tape can fix my g spot
lets call myth busters
we went to get a refill in his room and ended up having sex and passing out. then he woke me up with sex and gave me a beer for breakfast. i never want this to end
Note for the future: whiskey syrup is AMAZING on 3am pancakes.
When you get up and look at yourself in the mirror, don't be alarmed. The doctor assured us last night that it looked way worse than it actually was and there won't be a scar when the stitches come out
Well you tried to pay for a drink with your keys for one...
Jumanji is 1000% better stoned while cooking breakfast.
i feel like i should invite him over so he can cockblock my roommate one last time before he graduates. for old times sake, ya know
So guess who got away with telling their girlfriend she's insane multiple times in a Valentine's day card. Yup, this guy.
the only good thing about going home with him was that he was prettier than me.
The girl who comes up after me always strips to Lana Del Rey. I didn't think working in a strip club could be any more depressing.
if it wasn’t 100% before, it is now that i will most definitely die a quesadilla related death
Danny put 5 hr energy in the jungle juice (that brilliant bastard) and I almost showed my penis to Alex. It was a rough night.
I think when your throwing up on the highway on the way to pick up your mom from the airport is a sign to slow down.
Randomize
