I'm pretty sure the new "vibrating mascara" is just a disguised dildo for those of us who are too ashamed to purchase a real one.
Well, at least their eye lashes will look good while they masturbate shamefully.
All I know is it had something to do with a plunger and tuna salad. I'm done. I'm quitting my job.
I told him to show me what he was made of and he came on my face. law students are so technical.
Do you remember calling me a cuntasaurus rex last night?
It hurts to peel the glue off my chest and i keep finding glitter in my hair.
I just wanted to decorate you...
He is so amazingly handsome. I just wanna fuck every shred of decency out of him.
I did the mature thing and subtweeted that bitch. She follows me so she'll see.
I think I should just accept my destiny that I'm going to be someone's second wife
My tits sealed my fate
I found a half composed text to you this morning and all it said was HELP M. Is that how I ended up at the bottom of the stairwell in only a tee-shirt and one heel?
considering I never received the text I would go with 'yes'.
NO HOOKUPS IN THE CAR. I will try as i might to practice what i preach, but there are no guarantees.
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
Took my plan b at Costco today, sample Sunday for the win.
he asked if he should bring the trash can into the room.. apparently i shoved my finger all over his face and said.. shhhh dont talk... just take your pants off.
Was that before, or after strip tac toe.....
I ACCIDENTALLY MURDERED MY COUSIN
HOW DO YOU ACCIDENTALLY MURDER YOUR COUSIN
Randomize
