I just sneezed everywhere.....everywhere. Now no one will talk to me.
...seriously? chocolate pudding? motorboating? No one has even done that to ME and i am 69 times the whore you are
i walked in the apt and she was vacuuming. i asked why and she said so we could have sex on the floor. i love clean freaks.
The best thing he's ever done for me was comment on my profile picture saying "hello boner"
whatever a "slut portfolio" is, mine is apparently almost complete
yea im pretty sure it has something do with my love of forearms...
Its like a zucchini between his legs. An orgasmic zucchini.
I just handed the barista at Starbucks a panty liner instead of my card....maybe I should upgrade this Tall to a Venti...
I'm covered in sharpie and the girl next to me just said something smells like fried food. Hint: it's me. Why am I in class?
I am a 5'4" ball of sexual frustration and vodka. It is that kind of night.
I caught myself flirting with clients today. Someone needs to take me to pound town before I self destruct. This is a code red. I repeat code red.
i had an epiphany while laying on the driveway for 5 hours yesterday.
i realized i waste a lot of time
Hey, what's a nice way of saying "Why'd you send me a picture of your boobs last night" without seeming ungrateful?
His Australian accent during sex made me think I was in an Outback Steakhouse commercial
I think the God that I only kind of believe in, definitely hates me.
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