I now officially know the distance between my two boobs is one twizzler.
once you get past the part where you think youre gonna die, its the most amazing drug ive ever experienced.
I just spent the last 30 mins playing uplifting songs to my uterus, & there's no way I'm pregnant.
why didn't you tell me his penis tasted like oreos?
my left tit made it into the crop job on your profile pic, I knew it was good for other things
I just want to jump into a ballpool of dicks now.
Don't be alarmed at the kitchen mess. I had to shoot the fire extinguisher on the toaster oven, one quick blast. It was a matter of safe over sorry.
my vagina hasn't met your boyfriend yet ... makes me sad
If our text convos ever saw the light of day lives would be in tatters
Wearing a shark mask, slugging tequilla, in cowboy boots, and not minding that my spandex is on backwards. What are you up to?
He's ninety percent amazing leader, brother, and teacher, and ten percent unforgivable douche. These are the men I look up to in my life.
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
Listen here, Ms. "I'm Gonna Get Super Drunk and Run From My Friends Screaming That They Were Going to Drag Her to a Scientology Recruitment Camp"...
U wanna come over and watch talidaga nights. Ill make pancakes
What? It's 130 in the morning.
Aww come on i make bomb ass pancakes
You stocked up?
No actually didn’t get a chance. If you wouldn’t mind bringing me a brownie and a bottle of Jameson that’d be nice
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