This girl just stopped in the middle of a sentence because of my blue eyes. She said she got lost in them. I am laying pipe tonight.
It started as a joke and ended with a trip to the emergency room, a broken macbook and a gigantic hole in the concrete of my driveway.
Well, she's officially disappointed in me. I have it writing.
I love your family. Oh. And on a completely unrelated note, I know where we can steal a dog.
What's the politically correct way of saying you've made someone your bitch?
You didn't act like you were blacked out yesterday...
I didn't know
My mom just sent me this: "I like Jon, but he needs to be the one going down on you! Yeah, we saw your head pop up in your car last night."
All you kept saying was, " Barack fucking Obama. FUCK Michelle" and then you motorboated me.
There was a slutty maid costume on the floor when I woke up, but the house was trashed. Either she's been fired or got promoted, I'm not sure which.
Just fyi there is a naked girl somewhere in your house. I woke up and she was gone, definitely left her clothes tho
75% of my food budget goes to wine, the rest to chips and salsa.
You told me you were with a dog dressed as a taco, and it was the only one you trusted
My mom and sister were over. When my drunk roommate came home, he yelled "GOT BITCHES IN MY CONDO"
You know it was a good night when visa fraud prevention services are calling
Someone sitting next to me at this football game is totally eating chicken nuggets out of his pocket and drinking four loko. I wanna be him.
Randomize
