We basically counted to 3 and then dumped each other.
So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
You are too young to settle down enjoy your life. The window to get drunk and have casual sex with strangers gets smaller by the day.
IM A DRUNK BIRTHDAY CLEOPATRA MESS. CELEBRATE THAT BITCH
I'm going to try to be reasonable tonight and keep my drink count out of double digits
You have to keep an eye on her tonight cause you know how she likes to pickpocket people when she's drunk.
You are the alcoholic guardian angel of raccoons
He never gives up. He's like the fucking little engine that could of hook ups
Dave, I love you but you're barking up the wrong lesbian. You sir are the competition. You don't threesome with competition.
I need a burrito and a hug.
2 men making out for 2 seconds to trick a cop so they don't get arrested for being pulled over rolling a blunt is not gay.
It's a low moment when you're looking at your girlfriends tits on your daughter's phone..
She ran from her surprise party screaming "I'm not ready for an intervention." Yeah, the girl has a problem.
It's cuz all she eats is salt lick, human souls, and fast food
Socially acceptable to sleep in a booth in the library? Its not finals but I dunno if I can make it back to south. Too drunk.
Randomize
