Racial profiling caused me to miss two cabs but the third cabs the charm - he's playing Jesus Music
i just shoved 27 marshmallows in my mouth
well thats a nice change of pace from what you normally put in your mouth
what part of covering your puke with shaving cream seemed like a good idea?
he's having a long distance Facebook-coordinated power hour. the status update has 159 comments ...
Just looked at my outgoing calls. Seems I had a 7 minute convo with my 10th grade english teacher at 2:56 am Saturday...
Fire alarms went off at reception of gay wedding im at. We all had to evacuate until FD got here. Then...ill just text the photos.
The sign say "Kereoke" strip bar. 5 more beers and ill be ready to rumble.
We had to leave after he was in the middle of the street yelling "Balls of Steeeeeeeeel!!"
i woke up soaking wet with shard of glass imbedded in my flesh dangerously close to my dick what happend?!!
BEER BOTTLE SWORD FIGHTHING!!
He was supposed to visit me tonight but he decided to stop in Tacoma so now I'm sitting on my bed naked eating oranges and candy corn while I watch Parks and Rec.
Now I have to hook up with him tomorrow DURING THE DAY.
I'm chatting on my fake OkCupid account and watching Lion Witch & Wardrobe on my second screen. Hail me, King of the Creepers
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
ALMOST WRECKED MY SCOOTER. DAVE FRANCO HAS A TWIN AMD HE GOES HERE
Woke up naked on your sister's mattress lying next to a single slice of bread.
you grabbed the breathalyzer at dinner, blew a 0.20 and told the waitress you'd eat her ass