i was so high that i was eating crumbs of my bed only to realize they were fuzz thingies. fml.
Don't use my boy Weezy to support your whoreish tendencies.
My teachers should feel privileged to see me this morning, after the amount of alcohol I consumed last night.
The woman at the nail salon waxing my lip just showed me the strip with all the hair on it while smirking. Apparenltly 'you have a stache' can be communicated through a language barrier.
got extra credit for showing up to class before a holiday. it hit me 5 minutes later that she meant easter....
I have now added draft and wells specials that different bars have to my blackberry calendar.. Help me.
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
STDs are my biggest fear, besides whales. They're so fucking big.
This is what you sent me from the other side of the pool, "Idk but thers a pool n l wanna get naked take off my trunks ill paddle with my dick"
Just used the handle end of a spatula to get the baggie of coke wedged between my passenger seat. Innovation points?
Well, she yelled at the stripper that she couldn't lick whipped cream off his nipples because she is lactose intolerant.
My friend came into the apartment in real handcuffs at 4 in the morning. She was laughing and running around and then proceeded out the door...
if i ever get to the point where i am moaning when i pee, please do the honorable thing and kill me.
Never in my life have I been so excited to nap as I am right now.
why yes, bad decisions will be made starting at 3PM Thurs through 8PM on Sun. You have been warned. Plan accordingly.
Randomize
