my vag is singing 'hurts so good' by john mellencamp
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
Talking to this girl is like playing minesweeper on hard. There's red flags everywhere.
Two girls are doing the worm relatively well on the bar floor after the fact I just saw one puke in the trash
Dude, so the police showed up at my house with my wallet told me they found it in the church fountain then handed me a pamphlet on AA saying it was from the pastor. What happend?
Looking forward to meeting the person naked and passed out at my kitchen table.
How did I roll 7 times this month and survive?\nI must be some sort of ecstasy goddess
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
A dry HJ only, please. I don't deserve the comforts of lube after my horrendous fantasy football performance
Oh and apparently something happened that was related to "THIS IS SPARTA" but no one will tell me what I did.
So I'm going to blame my boobs hurting on that.
And you said I'm not athletic, I rubbed one out with my sports band on, it's the same as walking 1/4 mile.
Drunk me really does appreciate that sober me made a list of movies to watch when drunk it saves so much time
There are no winners in a lube eating competition.
I'm definitely drunk. At the gyno. On my birthday. Life is a joooooooke
Fuck your bullshit loser kid and his gluten allergy.
Randomize
