Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
i realized boys travel in groups of 3's and girls travel in 4's..thats why it gets so tricky
like hot dogs and buns.
Considering the last guy I had sex with was gay, this was a huge improvement.
FYI I'm about to upload a vid of you to facebook of you screaming "SNACK ATTACK" and throwing cheetos at everyone playing pong...
Are we playing "how much awkwardness can we fit in the final 29 hours of 2011"?
yes yes we are. Go do something with super glue. i don't want to win.
Why can't I hire someone to teach me how to be a decent human being?
they sound like some classy girls.
Hey, I don't give them daddy issues, I just take advantage of it. The real bad guy here is American parenting.
Don't worry, I'm preparing for tonight by lining my purse with a garbage bag.
Note to self: don't try to shave your legs when sex-sore. You CANT reach, stop trying.
Jenn from HR called him the new office boy toy. I think I need to bathe in bleach.
I just stole a bunch of balloons from a birthday party and am giving one to each person at the bar.
I've come to realize that I need a break from life when I just tried to use my address numbers as the cook time on the microwave
I went in for a high five.. He went in for a kiss.. Today is a good day
He said when the pizza came I zip locked one slice and went to the couch and snuggled with it. Does that give you an idea of how my night was?
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