I just learned that your liver regrows itself every 2 months. Best news I've heard all week.
he came up my nose again i swear he does this just to piss me off
I just peeled a layer of cum off my eyelid. Don't even tell me that's not why you came over
He was sleeping, but the way he was made him look like an adorable, fuzzy penis
I think it says something about my life when I start picking up girls while im in rehab. And I don't think it's good.
I thi k this dude I fcken showed up to the bar in a raisins shirts. I thought I was better than that. Fuckkkk.
Black out Jordan is making huge strides. I didn't even pee on anyone or anything last night.
One day I'm gonna have to send my roommate a "sorry I got high and forgot you were in the room and masturbated next to you" fruit basket
For dinner, I'm having saltines, canned whipped cream, and beer. Are we sure I'm responsible enough for home ownership?
EXCEPT MY COUSIN SAW MY SEX TAPE!
This wouldn't be the first time my boss has seen me topless
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
Ever had one of those went so hard last night you woke up at the foot of the bed naked wondering where your phone ended up?
Had to claim I'd "gone lesbian" to get my cat back. Thank God I got away from that one.
it is time to test the effects of half a loaf of bread and overconfidence on the human body
Randomize
