I'm not unpopping my collar. This shirt is too expensive to crease.
we're getting ready to take strippers to breakfast. I love my life.
Idk man, it felt like my skin was a suit and I could feel it zipping up my side and up to my mouth. And then my head felt like a ventriloquist dummy's head, with the jaw thing..it was freaky, dude
You think that's a metaphor for anything, champ?
Shut the hell up.
Who would have sex with her? She looks like she shops at baby gap
A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
My mom and I were trying to explain to my sister what an uncircumcised penis looks like. We had some minor disagreements.
She had to leave early so she could get ready for her high school's homecoming. I hope her date likes sloppy seconds.
She went dumpster diving. Found flourescent light bulbs, carpet samples and $15. We got a bottle of Popov, played star wars and threatened random people with the carpet. Get on our level.
For public speaking we have to bring an object that describes us to class. Can't decide if I wanna bring a flask or a shot glass.
I just found out that order of 30 Beefy 5-Layers last weekend has achieved legendary status among the Taco Bell employees. Is there a Stoner Achievement for that?
I'm going to sing sad and lonely Barbra Streisand songs at the top of my lungs if you don't get here soon
Everything was going well until he very loudly said that he wanted to cum on my fingernails.
Cant get off the floor. Need more beer. Send help.
You're like the Miss Manners of anonymous gay sex.
I doubt the gods of funday Sunday would exact such a high price... But it's good to know an afternoon with me is worth a left foot.
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