I showed my boss the "She Wolf" video. He sent it to all his friends and told me to make us martinis...thanks Shakira and keep it up
how do I tell him nicely and in french that we can't have sex anymore because his huge penis will ruin me for other french men?
Hah, I lost the lenses in my glasses, didn't event notice til this morning... How was the meeting?
i draw the line when you ask for directions at a place you're already at.
This was my thought process as I drunkenly ran home: Whoa! I'm going so FAST! Why don't I run EVERYWHERE! ALL THE TIME! Then I peed in a bush and passed out on the ground.
So basically you were a dog.
my grandpa is going down the line on this prom picture, and telling me how big everyone's nipples are... he was spot on for me.
I may or may not be wearing slippers and a TMNT hat. This thing better not have a dress code.
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
I'm still pretty drunk right now, but when this hangover hits me, I'm going to be super pissed. It's a preemptive never drinking again.
At one point 12 people dressed in care bear onesies were up on stage grinding super nasty, and two of the girl Care Bears were making out.
If this wasn't a hallucination, we need to go to this magical kingdom every night of the week.
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
Decided I'm going to wear a shirt that says "I'm sorry" whenever we go back to that fraternity
i got to his house for our first date at the same time as his dealer, so what I'm saying is I'm in love
You are cordially invited to the annual finals week stress relief drinking binge at our manor this evening
so this maintenance guy stood at the corner of my cubical and scratched his balls for like a full minute cause he thought no one could see him
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