Everything went well, until I walked into his bedroom and there was a Ronald Reagan poster watching over his bed - creepy
My morning has consisted of lying in a fetal position, eating a whole tub of ben and jerry's, talking to my cat, and setting all of our pictures on fire. Does that answer your question?
You stood in front of a yellow Camaro and kept yelling at it to "Transform already!!!!".. yeah, I'd say you were pretty wasted.
All I know is I had a penis in one hand a bottle of wine in the other
What do you think it is?
It's a boy. I know it. She always manages to have a cock inside her somehow.
Also, I'd like to add that that I'm not quitting my job, my boss fed me shots at 11 am this morning.
she left around the point i tried to tie her hair around my dick
She got turned on by my fanny pack full of condoms. I can't believe you said it was a bad idea to wear it to the party.
I feel like I have heartburn in my nipples.
I cancelled the entertainment for your b-day party.... Keep the bouncy castle just in case.
My buddy just got straight up kicked out of the bar on my bday for water boarding people with beer and bar towels
I'll be perfectly honest; there are times other guys have consented to have sex with me because of my punctuation.
I came home and my mom goes "why are you barefoot and where the hell are your shoes?" and I replied "I have French fries"
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
I turn 40 next week. I deserve to celebrate the end of my 30’s with a 21 year old dick
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