So My parents cut me off after I started making blood marys with hienz ketchup
Her boobs more than make up for all the flaws with her personality.
Mom just Facebook checked into an Applebees at 2am. Caption: ''WITH THE BESTIEZ.''
I woke up to him drunk-t-bagging me, saying "huevos rancheros" were being served for breakfast.
we aren't going to have kids. there's a 50% chance that they would look like him. not worth the risk
We're having a serious conversation and I just responded to something he said with an emoticon. I am so baked.
Why the hell did you smack that girls beer out of her hand at the end of the night then buy her a double jack and coke for?
Its called bad cop laid cop.
I know it's not technically the "Mile High Club" but we def need a name for the airport bathroom. Cuz that just happened.
That and I was watching this life alert commercial and I'm pretty sure my liver turned up the volume for more information
Thirty seconds is a long time in jizz time...
Is it weird that I was turned on when he told me he had a vasectomy?
I knew you two would hit it off
you're not celebrating your 21st birthday right unless you give a male stripper a hand job, flash the bartender, and win a free vibrator.
Lesbians just stole my cat :(
I can't imagine a friend I would rather lose my virginity to in a threesome.
so i went over to her house and we played crash bandicoot, ate calzones, and had sex all day. im in love.
Randomize
