We walked into the bar in The Flying V formation from The Mighty Ducks. We were ready.
i got a mint flavored condom from wellness day...im kind of tempted to taste it
I am literally too baked to press the call button. How am I supposed to bone him?
We just ended up getting drunk and doing field sobriety tests on each for practice... No one remembers who passed.
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
Me too. We could do it like prostitutes. No kissing on the mouth.
Just to update you. I am dead. So your probably gonna have to find a new roommate
We decided it was acceptable to walk out of class on a quest for Doritos. That high.
Dude you asked your tattoo if it wanted to go swimming
The ketchup exploded, and totally splooged his face and the wall. You could see the outline of his head in the wall splatter.
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
I found one of those wine glass confetti bits in my ass crack.
I just chased my hot mailman down the street to ask him out and now I am 98% positive he gave me a fake number.
In all the years we have had drunk sex, have we ever done it in a bed?
Puking out the window is really hard when you're the one driving.
Randomize
