so later when i'm crying over him remind me that he once called his penis "senor weeper"
I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
Well regardless of where or with who you will be blacking out and i will be pouring shots down ur throat like a baby bird
Just watched a drug bust from the Ralphs parking lot while listening to Frank Sinatra. Happy Valentine's Day.
I woke up naked in his kitchen...His name is Mike and we're having a "what happened last night" beer.
my mom just left...time to break out that water bottle of wine that I sewed into my teddy bear
Want to come over and play therapist and then fuck all the emotion away?
Opened my purse to realize I have someone else's birth certificate. What happens to me in college?
i sent my dealer a picture of the money i would pay him. i also told him i would pay him in cheez-its if he would prefer that.
Just fyi there is a naked girl somewhere in your house. I woke up and she was gone, definitely left her clothes tho
There is a video on my phone of me suckling a bag of wine from your crotch area while you say "The Body of Christ" in a Michigan accent. I vaguely remember being offended by this yet I did it anyway.
I still think it's strange your mom saw me 93% naked with a Santa hat on and a raging boner. Tis the season right?
I am literally watching TV with sunglasses on because the brightness hurts my hangover
My party ended early and I have a mountain of shrimp and weed
Are you sure you found YOUR underwear?
Randomize
