dont you remember the bouncer yelling at you while you were trying to piss?
no. why was the bouncer in the bathroom?
he wasn't. neither were you.
I woke up at 5 this morning face down on my bed with gummy bears stuffed in my leggings. Yeah.
There's people holding up abortion signs everywhere. I guess the people of Florida want you to remember you fucked up on Spring Break.
And I'm supposed to be surprised that you got another concussion?
It's a gateway drink.... Starts with wine... Then I wake up in my car with mascara on my arms covered in french fries...
For public speaking we have to bring an object that describes us to class. Can't decide if I wanna bring a flask or a shot glass.
It's either my own vomit or popcorn butter in my ear right now. Banking on the second one.
We made popcorn last night. So it's both
grandma made pot brownies .. oh god bless us everyone
I feel like if he almost got me pregnant once, i can at least say hi in a bar
I gave him a BJ and he left. Coincidentally that's the name of my memoir.
Never ever make a tattoo bet. I now have a shamrock on my dick.
I'm like, not good at living.
He wants me to fart in his mouth and is offering me SOOOO much coke. I'm stuck between a rock and a hard place. GIVE ME ADVICE.
Get over your kidney infection all ready. You have been sober for too long.
My boss is paying me to come clean his house in a maid outfit and told me not to tell anyone....this is shady as fuck but I need the money
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