Nyquil jello-shots aiding in health and happiness
Now I'm at the gym and I never want to leave. It's a combo of adderall and endorphins and I don't want it to go away
When did it become appropriate to call your mother the morning after? While still naked in bed? WHEN?!
You told me to remind you that the bruise on your ass is from when you danced on the table at Ziggy's, saw a cop and tried to 'fly away'.
And I just found out I called my debit card a fast food passport so I dont deserve to live
I opened a bud lite with a fencing sword last night. Yeah you banged that guy.
Sending out old nude selfies with the message "#tbt"
Honestly at least you're not debating on whether or not you need to take plan b. But I can't because I spent all my money on pizza.
Don't tell me you're on acid again
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
I passed up getting laid last night. It's almost been a YEAR - what the Hell was I thinking, being so choosy??
Ugh I realized he only responds to my snaps when I’m eating a popsicle
Why are male brains so small?
Told a guy at the bar I was hurricane evacuees with no place to stay. Just woke up at his place. God bless Florence
Got a blowjob while watching James Bond's "Octopussy." My 13 year old self would be so proud
There's something about a foam party that makes freshman want to turn their lives into full blown shit shows. And I'm ok with the fact I am one of those.
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