i just hope all the shady shit stops so i can let him into my pants
I just had a Brazilian done for this guy. He's getting first-date sex whether he wants it or not.
There are not enough shots in the world for this. We walked in and they shouted "the pilgrims are here!" And then someone handed me a turkey leg the size of my arm.
dude. i just ate tomato soup with a funnel. we're out of spoon-straws.
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Pretty sure I just convinced a drunk guy at the train station that I was from the future
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
You know our reunion in two weeks shall be a drunken bikini clad magical adventure right
somehow he and i always have our deepest conversations after phone sex.
That's how I like my men: traumatized and crying in a ball
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Why did I puke in my shower caddy last night
So we are in the middle of sex and his brother knocks on the door and says "dude I just wanted to know if you want to see the fish I got tonight"
1. so the new neighbor u called dibs on.. I'm sorry..but not really. 2. She lactates, I guess that happens when you have a kid less then 5 months ago.... WTF!! 3. Is it fucked up I'm craving Ceral & Milk now?
Just paid for my STD meds using a giftcard I got for Christmas. Thanks mom.
You have not lived until you've slid down a waterfall fucked out of your mind. Fact.
Just seriously saw this chick say, watch this motherfuckers then did a 42 sec keg stand.
You at least asked for her number right?
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