The worse part is i sent a text at like three that said i was getting head... Now i have no idea who's mouth has been on my dick
Oh shit. Easter I forgot. Maybe we should leave the illegal stuff for when Jesus is less present.
We woke up, fucked, and shared a piece of my sister's first communion cake for breakfast.
And you thought you were going to hell last weekend.
When were having sex he was mumbling some guys name. If he wasn't as hot as he is I'd be concerned.
I pretty much have hash tequila and gelato for dinner every night
i cannot be the only guy who has bought the every day with rachael ray magazine for use as porn
And now I have fucked a local celebrity so double free drinks at bars.
Operation: pick up a lawyer was a resounding success. Commence operation: football mugshot weekend
You just wrote a check for drugs...pretty sure you don't have cash for beer..
My doctor was like "I think adderall is a great choice. It'll definitely benefit you and you say you've taken it before so you'll be fine!" \nAnd I was like "yeah bro, totally"
Oh my god I found my bf's erotica
OH MY GOD HE WROTE THIS EROTICA.
OH MY GOD THIS IS GOOD EROTICA.
He's so in love with you that you could fuck a blood relative and he'd be like "I just want you to be happy"
OKAY THAT'S CREEPY AND I'D PROBABLY ACCIDENTLY ORGASM
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
I got a gay guy to motorboat me. These tits could change the world, I'm telling you.
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