I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
I just told you I can't. My fingers are melting. I have discovered the high.
at what point did you see referring to the bartender as 'the white precious' a good idea??
Reached a new low. Drinking Wine from my thermos while on the stair master.
I used to not like fucking fat girls but with her gut clapping against her boobs, its like a standing ovation ever time.
You're really doing everyone a disservice by wearing pants all the time.
I barely even remember him. He is just a distant beard in my past.
If her puking on your pool table is her sign of a good night, it's time to intervene.
We have a bucket list tonight. Not done yet. Gotta climb a building
I'm watching the World Cup in bed naked with john and our USA flag aviator glasses. Can you say America?
i woke up in a bed of pop tarts
No I'm not high but I did cry for over an hour tonight because I realized that they never made a sequel to "Under the Tuscan Sun" with Diane Lane.
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Next time I think it’s a good idea to hook up with any of your wife’s family members or friends just kick me in my dick
Randomize
