The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
any plan I had today of being a productive member of society, I am officially throwing out the window.
I dinstinctly remember making out to "I believe I can fly" and waving my arms like a bird to the beat.
he got up in front of the whole lecture hall and yelled that Charlie Brown's Christmas tree was his favorite book in the history of the universe. then he stumbled out the fire exit setting the alarm off. I could've jumped him right then and there.
I'm playing the Jersey Shore drinking game by myself at my mom's house. Things like this are not okay after college.
I just accidentally stumbled into an AA meeting...I think its a sign
he passed out on the stove with a cup in his hand. yes the pictures are hilarious
Just violated the laws of fuck-buddyship and talked to him about my personal life. I don't like it.
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
It would only make sense that I'd cheat on him with his best friend on the ides of march...
Hey so when you left last night was i wearing shoes?
We were destined to go to rehab together
New Mean Girls drinking game: Everytime someone says Africa or Math, chug.
In order to save time, dignity and liver damage, wanna get naked?
You just kinda wondered into the street and started screaming at dogs and small children...
Randomize
