I'm gonna cuddle the shit out of you tomorrow
Last night I ate the rest of the salsa with my hands. And i DONT have a hangover? Glorious.
Just realized my talking to the tv hockey voice is same as my sex voice. Life just got a whole lot weirder.
He came in like 30 seconds. That's how I know he hasn't been cheating on me while I've been gone
I'm not an expert but calling her the "hot lesbian" isn't going to coerce her into a 3some with you
Just did an upsidedown spineboard shot. Gotta love lifeguard parties.
He turned down jacuzzi sex. He cares more about my vagina than i do.
Then she said I give the best mouth hugs and bar went silent.
It would have to be recorded, because that sex tape would be humanity's primary evidence of miracles
We should get Al Michaels to provide commentary for it.
Look, you don't know disfunction until you've sat on the john taking a shit and crying while totally sober.
So the dog chewed my vibrator last night. It added a nice new texture actually.
Probably gonna run and pray I throw up. Then go get a coffee/bagel & continue to rally
dude where did you go last night?
when the tequila says to run, you start running.
my hair smells like a mixture of fireworks and rotten eggs with a hint of shame. it's so strong it's keeping me awake.
so.. he paid for my flight to vegas, took me to shows, bought my drinks and STILL rescued my drunk ass after i ditched him. i HAD to cuddle with him this morning.. fair exchange, right?!
Randomize
