When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
Ive never seen someone more dtf than a soaking wet drunk girl who stumbles into your backyard.
After we fucked, her eye wouldn't stopped twitching and she could only move her hand, which she used to put her number in my phone
Ah shit... I sleep-ate chocolate pudding again.
He had a ladies night special at his place. Unlimited jello shots till 10, 50 cents after.
I will not remember tonight for the most part. This text will be evidence. You can and probably will use this against me.
I got carried to one bar. Got a piggy back ride to the next bar. I was just testing our drinking team for st pattys day to make sure they are able to handle me more drunk than that.
I feel like every time I get the courage to masturbate to a guy from Game of Thrones, they kill him off.
This stupid maranara sauce stain sucks. It keeps distracting me and it looks like I'm staring at my tits.
I recall trading my iPhone watch for a carton of Marlboros.
I should have known when she said it would be "fun" we'd end up in the hospital
Then, even the devil himself would be scared of us. And we'd be bestfriends with Jesus. He would love us.
I guess I'm famous. Hot lesbian was WARNED about me. Still hooked up with her.
I'll pay you to teach me.
What's a sexy way to say balls deep???
I have a lot of money, and no morals. shots on you when you get here.
Randomize
