John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
In The Air Tonight was playing in the dentist's office. Had to stop the cleaner to do the drums.
just walked past a girl in her cap and gown puking her brains out beside a tree. her friends were taking pictures of her.
He just sent me a winky face in the middle of setting up a drug deal. You don't do that.
i think the beer goggles wore off after hearing the story of her 2nd abortion
she crawled under her car and passed out. Unfortunately her feet were sticking out and someone called 911 because they thought she had been run over.
Basically I don't wanna put on pants...but I'm stoked for drinking my face off tomorrow.
C'mon pople!!! THursday afternoon isnot gonna drinkin itself!!!
He got hit with a horseshoe, set on fire, fell out of a tree, and puked all over the side of his car, all before midnight. Everclear.
dude, last night I won a real sword and a bottle of vodka in a cards against humanity tournament
Hold me and let me compliment your butt
She sent me a thank you card for not fucking her boyfriend...
He just said "I can't wait to penetrate you tomorrow" I sat in silence for a second...he attempted to save it by saying "I can't wait to enter you".
I'm going to draw something on my chest and I need to incorporate my nipples. Any ideas?
Ever try to swallow something and have it go up into your nose instead? Yeah, I just sneezed bacon.
Randomize
