I woke up on my floor...
I woke up with colors of the wind playing on repeat on my laptop...
If my vagina had boots, it would be shaking in them.
Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
Nothing is worse than puking naked in front of strangers
He was singing Will Smith Just the Two of Us to his burrito. That high.
Apparently we had sex last night, and then I made him drive me to the beach so I could puke in the ocean.
I'm going to make him fall in love with me one blow job at a time.
I have never heard someone not give a fuck so poetically in my life. I feel like you should be leading men into battle with a speech like that
If by "in control" you mean him showing-up to work wasted, calling a customer a "fuckstick," and getting fired on the spot? Then yes, he is.
it's gotten to the point where there are no existing good choices. even our good choices are bad choice by anyone's standards but ours.
I didn't know whether to laugh at the fact that a dog bit his balls or throw up cause my dad was telling me a story involving his balls.
Is it weird that I'm mad at my boss because he isn't paying me enough attention? Maybe my dad issues are worse than I thought
I had sex with two guys in one day. One on my grandma's couch, one on a golf course. This is the greatest post-surgery accomplishment I could ask for.
I just timed my pee with a stop watch. From when the main stream started to ended. It was 45.1 seconds. This is the truth trust me.
It’s a dick. Seen one, seen em all. Unless it spews a fountain of tequila, I don’t need to see yours.
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