About to do something stupid. You'll be my call. Bring bail money.
My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
Chinese roommate asked me this a.m when u left if all girls here have multiple boyfriends..
there was so much ham clogging the tub drain.. he said it was ok he has a cleaning lady
do not give him the "i just had sex cake" i repeat DO NOT give him the cake. things didn't go well
Every time you blow me I should make a paper crane and we'll make them into a chain and hang them from the ceiling. And then whenever we have people over and they ask what the cranes are for I'll say "reminders" and wink at you.
I'm lowering my standards just so I can get laid, but I draw the line when a guy spells cool kewl
I miss the "How many Grindr hits can I get while performing in an elementary school?" game.
I picked up a guy that night wearing a onesie. I kicked Xmas' ass
I just found those cheese sticks in my purse. Along with a handful of confetti.
I think next time I give head I'm gonna try making the chewbacca noise.
I look forward to it
the people in front of me have a grocery cart in their car... i missed college...
He was calculating the number of ceiling tiles when I was on top it was fucking rain man.
Lunch date was a success. And you'll be proud- my legs stayed closed.
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