He is fucking rediculously sexy. DO HIM NOW. NOW. NOW. NOW.
She said "Lay the fuck down and ill show you how its done. Ill get us both off." I did. And she did. Best words ever said before sex.
I should show up to the gym drunk more often. I felt like i really motivated all the fat people.
At what point during this road trip should I let them know I've been drinking in the backseat the whole time and can't take my turn driving?
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No no, there's drunk and then there's 'spooning with lawn gnomes' drunk.
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
She had a cast on when I met her, but she blamed me for breaking her arm this morning. I'm gonna marry this girl.
We are so blessed to to have nicely shaped vaginas
I thank god almighty everyday
If you can't seal the deal with her, I will. And you know I'll be successful. So there's your incentive
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There's some random guy here dryhumping my kitchen door. If he is a friend of yours, please come and retrieve him.
We had sex last night...... This "Friends" thing is going well.
How can you tell that you're blacked out ?
You can feel it in your nipples.
For now I'm a single mom monday-thursday and a drunk looking for dick the rest of the week
last time we were there you stole a tap from the toilets. How are you confused that your bag is full of baubles you clearly can't stop collecting their furnishings
look, bitch. one day when everyone i care about deserts me for my severe moral depravity, you're going to be the only one i have.
i can't wait.
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