just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
Had sex with him. My tampon is now in my brain. May need surgery.
It's Christmas week. I wouldn't know what to do if i wasn't hung over.
Chinatown. Her fortune cookie said "accept the next proposition you receive." TELL ME NO NOW.
There's banana everywhere and your hamster may or may not have stayed the night in the microwave...
He told me I just kept sending him the word sex and dollar signs.
DO NOT EAT ONE OF DONOVANS WEED RICE CRISPIES. I REPEAT DO NOT EAT IF YOU VALUE YOUR EYE BALLS
My only downfall is that I can only take shots in twos.
No. Mother. Fucking. Jello shots. Just no. I'm not falling into that trap again.
Did you put Dave Matthews band on the playlist? It's really hard to funnel when "Crash Into Me" kicks in.
I was in the bathroom and I heard a phone ding inside one of the stalls. I really wanted to say, nature is calling, but I was still in my work uniform
I need to get off of her emotional roller coaster. I've been on it for a fucking year and I've been throwing up the entire time.
You were holding onto her boobs like you were adrift at sea and they were the only flotation devices
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
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