i just told my boss to make it rain at camelot later...what is wrong with me?
Yeah, it was perfect until the end. Apparently women are super attracted to me until the sleeping with part.
College is just filling the gap until I get a rich girl pregnant
dude I heard her through my door. She sounded like you were holding her head under water and they letting her up for air. I recorded that shit
The glockenspiel player has some booze though so hopefully the ride won't be that bad
It can't be good... The last recollection I have is singing lullabys to his penis
What I love about college? The kid tripping balls has a kayak made readily available to him on any given Wednesday, Saturday, or Sunday.
You went to jail last night?!
Just a little bit.
I just woke up entirely naked on top of a pile of some guy's laundry on his bedroom floor.
I just woke up from quarter beer tuesdays wearing 3 pairs of underwear, none of which are the ones I left wearing...2 Around my waist and one around my shoulder in an attempt at a bra. At least drunk me tries to be decent?
So wise, so handsome, so good at oral sex.
DOMA is dead. I'm definitely going to be the last of our friends to get married now.
Made a pinky promise to a lesbian on crack in WeHo. No one knows what I promised
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
Can my mom come with to the bar? Prince just died and I feel like I need to take her out to cheer her up.
Randomize
