cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
my boobs just fell out on the dance floor. my wedding is totally beating your wedding
She was wasted. Kept yelling "what if I'm pregnant" and trying to push me into the tree. First and last time I bring a girl to my family christmas party.
are we at that level where i can tell you your girlfriends tits looked really good yet?
i just woke up reverse cowgirl on my couch. fully clothed. my laptop is on the floor sideways. blasting gay porn and lady gaga. pizza crust everywhere. goodmorning.
We attempted to microwave fifteen corndogs in the microwave and may have ruined it. Also there were fake mustaches on all of his appliances...he said he doesn't like drunk me.
He unbuckled his belt, tipped his hat at me, then told me to "saddle up"
this is like your 5th cowboy right? where do you keep finding these guys?!!
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
i just passed i guy i once let listen to me masterbate on the phone...nyc is not big enough
Just had a customer call his drug dealer in front of me but act like it was normal call.
I woke up naked with a duck on my head. I think something went horribly wrong.
It's best not to have your booty call on social media. So if they post stupid shit, you still want to fuck them.
Van sex tonight? No need to tell me how classy that sounded.
Hey do you or anyone you know want to get drunk for free? At 4pm tonight at rctc for field sobriety training for future cops
Don't get mad at me now, you have my car and all the doughnuts
Randomize
