I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
How come it tastes like onions whenever I go down on her?
i just sent this text using only my big toe
drunk me is my new role model. he's fearless. like not even afraid of tornadoes.
From what I remember, he had one ball. But it was cute
My pussy is making all kinds of justifications that my mind would have no patience for if it was still in charge
Woke up naked wearing mismatched earrings. Didn't even make it to the bar.
I'm getting the lip of my vagina pierced & you expect ME to be the voice of reason?
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
Fried chicken is a must. Do strippers eat fried chicken or should I plan on something else?
I missed rounds this morning...my senior resident hooked me up to and IV and made me stay in the clinic because he said I didn't look presentable enough to walk around the hospital
That makes 14 Xmas cards already! Middle aged people are really nice to their dealers.
I added a U.S. Senator on snapchat....casual.
No one wanted to hang out so vodka and I are hanging out
I went looking for them and I pulled my pants down and peed on the lawn. I found my phone in the same spot in the morning.
Randomize
