I'm twenty-five. I'm too old to be watching my friend throw up in Chipolte Parking lot.
My professor is talking about sperm and all I can think about is my mouth
I just went in my fridge and said to my turkey "see you thursday". I seriously have issues
he just called me skinny, hes either trying to get laid, or i'm going to have to marry this man
he came on my stomach, took his sock off, wiped it up, put his sock back on along with his shoes and left.
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
Security said no more parties of this kind. To me that translates to Theme party this weekend.
Something's wrong. Everything's on fire. Unless it was like that before. Then everything's alright.
you two really need to work out your issues. my vagina can't handle another week of your pent up frustrations.
Dude. There's gotta be an article in Cosmo about it cause I've had three different girls tongue tickle my brownie this month.
Don't think anyone else in the building has a lunchbox full of yay
Hey there's a sandwich in there too!
YOU ARE NOT A BOTTLE OF RUM THEREFORE I DONT KNOW HOW TO LOVE YOU
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
God loves me. So high, craving Jimmy Johns chips, looked down, unopened bag in front of me. Still doesn't feel real
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
Randomize
