I would have done the walk of shame but I couldnt walk
So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
so they are in my phone as twin 1 and twin 2. but i forget which is which. did i put them in order of who I hooked up with first, or who is sexier? cause i'm not trying to text the one with the girlfriend
1st off, theyre identical. 2ndly, have i ever told you that youre a huge slut? hope that helps
the ice cream truck is coming omgomg
dude, it's 2 am.
but its COMING
pedialite and red bull = repair kit
went to library to start paper due tomorrow & took those orange addys u gave. now realizing they were ur xanax. completely fucked and going to fail, but calmly at peace with the situation.
Also. I plan to spend time with you at boomers, high, teaching ourselves how to pee standing up.
I think the closest to heaven you can get in this world is your morning dump after a night of Molly
Dad was on the deck drinking straight bourbon. He stopped, puked on his feet, and then continued drinking and talking about compound interest.
I feel like we need a drunken piñata bash with your face being the piñata and my hopes and dreams being the stick
Building a door into the garage so when I bring girls home my mom doesn't wake up.
Pathetic yet considerate
I am sure I don't wanna know but I have to ask... Why is there a kiddie pool full of jello in the living room?
I just asked my mom if I could be the drunk realitive at the reunion. She said as long as I'm not obvious.
I'm still here... I feel so bad wearing your mom's cardigan at a strip club 🙈
congratulations on joining the accidental bisexual club
Randomize
