this other lifeguard and I are actually considering paying a kid to shit in the pool
is it bad that I sent her a picture of my penis on her husbands birthday?
You ran away and I found you three blocks later lying by a dumpster because "that's where your life belongs"
i felt like the dude nobody likes from the mikes hard lemonade commercial
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she got kicked out of the bar for shoving german chocolate cake in the bartenders face. we were there less than a minute
You never cared about felonies while buying me alcohol from the little Asian woman across the street
Druken naked yoga : jus another ploy to keep your husbands eye in check
I knew it would be an interesting night when he showed up at my house on a scooter wearing a six foot american flag as a cape.
and then you two started interpretive dancing to Mozart
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Yeah. I found my shirt from last night while walking back to the bar to get my purse/phone this morning. I'm never going to even ask what actually happened. Be glad you moved 7 states away.
I have alotted at least an hour for ugly crying.
He asked me to come stay with him so he could "see that ass and watch Harry Potter."
I woke up on a different floor than I went to sleep on. Can't find my shoes.
Happiness is laying in bed, topless, pouring 4 packs of hot sauce on your taco bell.
Okay I’ll say it... THIS MOVIE FUCKS
That’s probably the first time I've heard Little Women described that way and I love it
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