I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
why do all the strippers look like they came from fraggle rock
How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
I don't think going to Relay for Life and painting our faces while everyone stares at us is a sufficent late night after the bars.
Between the booze, mechanical bulls, and penis's I think my body hates it when I'm single
I'm drunk and you're awesome. let's stay this way forever.
I'm not mad at you for letting me use my air mattress as a toilet, i'm mad at you for letting me lay back down on it.
Well my dad thinks I wake up at 3 or 4 am every day. Really it is just all the booty calls, but I'm glad he thinks I am so motivated
Due to your tardiness, I'm saving you my tab
I was about to google "rabies and sexual activity." Then I realized I was at work.
So this is what it's like to wake up with someone else's blood in your nose...
I always make inappropriate sexual decisions during the holidays
Last night I had a sex dream about Trudeau, he hasn't even been prime minister for 24 hours
Masturbating to death wouldn't be a terrible way to go. If you die tonight, I'll know how it went down. Promise not to tell your family.
Randomize
