whats up tonight?
Ice cream, wine, and teabags... Not the earl grey kind
he met me at the airport with a welcome home sign with a grilled cheese, PBR and a blow job on it. i missed america.
I keep having to talk dad out of putting tequila in the milkshakes.
She came in to my room half naked at 3am asking me if I had seen the movie balls deep 7
By the way, turns out "Danny B" is his penis. Not his cousin. I was right.
Do you think she's aware of my deep hatred or should I set her hair on fire in her sleep?
We decided I could make bicurious-jitos or ho-meh-jitos or heteroflexible-jitos. But not homojitos.
We sat in his closet and drank four loko out of my camelbak for an hour in the dark. You tell me how my night went.
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
Just so were clear I meant the head your face is on
She took the fish and put it in the hot tub, then turned on the jets. She said she was training it for the Olympics.
I spent the morning naked in her roommates closet because her parents decided to come over after church..
I have to pee in a cup in the morning and they are going to say....you just peed a miller light. I'm going to hang my head in shame and say yes...yes I did.
You know you went through something intense when you actuallu applaud yourself for not shitting your pants
I wore grinch underwear to my well woman exam this morning and I feel like I adulted successfully today.
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