so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
there is no way he can be that small
look on the bright side he'll over comepensate
so I ended up banging her last night
dude I remember her. You sure it was a her?
i don't even remember
I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
How many 'remember name' entries is it inappropriate to have in one's cell phone?
now I know why they wanted me to come. apparently gay guys are stripper magnets
I would fuck him In a heartbeat, an obese child running up stairs with an irregular heartbeat, heartbeat.
Either I'm paranoid or I swear my parents rigged my house so you can never sneak in or have the munchies without being loud.
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
Ok here's the state of the situation: We're alone in a strange city with strange people with nothing but alcohol and sprite, I think we're gonna make it.
I lost my favorite bra in his hotel room. Is it bad that that's the only reason I hope he texts me tomorrow?
Just did. I played that shit out so casual I deserve an Oscar. Or am Emmy, or whatever the fuck you get for acting like a boss
who says I'm not relevant to the kids today? Just had snapchat sex, blows the roof off aim cyber sex
You don't get to call me bro after you've had your dick in me.
when you wake up naked in a bed with glowsticks, a rolled ankle, a hangover, and a condom; alone. you wonder shit
Randomize
