Just ran to the store on my way to the office to buy Diet Coke...the guy in front of me let me cut because it was 4 more minutes until 8am, so he wouldn't be able to purchase his vodka. I love Wisconsin
i hate that you can chart my weight gain through my facebook pictures.
The walk of shame isn't so shameful when you do it in a stolen, autographed Favre jersey.
just passed out while on hold to see if i left my debit card at the bar last night.
Just sneezed out a half gram of coke into a tissue. Four hours after the fact. The bender continues.
I can feel my ovaries exploding thinking about them.
Sometimes things go your way and sometimes you get hit on by a fat drunk girl.
There's an old guy having a conversation with his penis in the bathroom right now.
Again??? Now we can't ever fucking go there again STOP PEEING IN FOYERS
Idk I've been drinking all day and they're having me blow shit up. Like dont let the drunk chick play with fire and explosives. Common sense 101. I will fuck something up
he stole a smokey from the street meat vendor and put it in his pocket when she wasn't looking and now we're drinking avocado margaritas
My walk of shame was four miles long and I had to stop for a water break. I am the picture of class.
Showing girls my stab wound was not the brilliant idea I thought it was.
You need to get out of there before he falls in love with you.
My arm is completely dead, never again will i give you a 20 minute hand job. You better have enjoyed that asshole. I have to text with my left hand now.
Randomize
