I'm glad you talked me out of that flying penis tattoo.
After 4 hours of foreplay he passed out and almost immediately peed in my bed. Naked. Like a fountain. Then tried to deny it in the morning by saying he just sweats a lot.
Just figured out how to smoke weed with a toaster.
He's either a really good actor or an actual prince, I'm fine with both so I'll sleep with him.
No I'm not proud of you for not sleeping with him. He has herpes. You don't get a gold star for behaving how you're expected to. Trust me. I'm a teacher.
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
Without me, you would never be able to say you partied with a midget!
The doctor asked me what height I fell from to hurt my back.. I answered keg height
I fell asleep on the air hockey table and someone turned it on, scariest shit ever when you're that fucked up
I'm truly not mad that he's at a strip club, it's that he couldn't look far enough into the future to figure out how to get himself home from one
I'm getting drunk by myself again. But I'm not shotgunning any of them. That's self-restraint, right?
Showing girls my stab wound was not the brilliant idea I thought it was.
im buying my prof a giftcard to the state store bc he talked ab crying into a glass of tequila so he deserves it
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
I've peed in two sinks in the past two weeks. No one should be able to say that.
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