it was like brushing your tongue but with a fucking long toothbrush.
The only piece of furniture in the apartment is a wine rack.
Ifound a recepit for a hotel room in my sock. soo.. Ithink thats where my dog is.
It was a sobriety test blowjob. If he could get it up, he could get me home.
you said you wanted to feel how much my penis weighed for educational purposes
i just shaved my vag. i figure it gave me about ten more minutes to drink tomorrow.
I don't care how stoned you are, I'm not driving to a different state for a burrito
100 proof captain the only man who can make me strip during a snowstorm
All I know is that at 4 am I was walking down the street in my bra and his shorts and Im pretty sure I passed my grandma on her morning walk.
I know him enough to fuck him but not enough to give him advice.
You know you're high when, "Why can't I steal the duck?!" Becomes a serious question.
All I want is dick and wine.
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
I'm eating an ice cream cone and pooping. Don't know how I'm gonna wipe.
it was like 6 shots in and he was automatically my type
Randomize
