life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
Eating a burrito bowl w/ queso sauce is about as cool as the first time you have sex w/ out a condom
You kept calling me your small dog last night.
dinner with the girl I motorboated last semester wasn't as awkward as I thought it would be
You just got cockblocked by Conan O'Brien.
I'm drinking bacardi out of her mom's eco-green starbucks mug and chasing it with her sister's "for track only" vitamin water. Hello suburbia
His hands were made for my vagina.
So how does it feel getting boo'd by the entire 5 guys restaurant
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
Okay now that I've been wanting to eat these hot cheetos in the bathroom, I know it's time I need to stop smoking and go to sleep.
Wikipedia just saved you three hours and $30 on a bar tab. You should donate.
$5. Donated.
So, I have realized that I am kryptonite for married men. I'm not sure how to feel about this sober, but drunk me accepts her destiny.
He just stays over and makes naked pancakes in the morning
The difference in our lives is summed up perfectly in that you woke up next to a 6'4" guy with an accent and I woke up next to an unwrapped piece of string cheese.
It will be the shitshow of all shitshows.
Randomize
