so i woke up.. still drunk and discovered my roommate in the living room passed out dick-in-hand watching porn..
What did u do?
turned the porn up and opened the windows so everybody goin to class could see him..
Now he's lighting his socks on fire
I have glow sticks stuck to my boobs and a missed call from the 911. I'd say last night was a success.
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
I hit a child with a fudge sickle from a moving vehicle after he flipped me off, I feel like a God. Tell no one. My partner didn't see it.
I would eat the Denny's grand slam special out of my new probation officers b hole
Can we just talk about the fact that the last time I got laid I was wearing a Jurassic Park tshirt?
I just came rly close to telling a dude that I want to chew on him and there should be an oil painting of his ass up in the louvre before I realized that isn't how flirting is supposed to go
He called me kiddo. We can't have sex
Why did I not realize how important my fridge was till I was drunk. It keeps all my food cold its like my own cold box
Just cuz I'm recovering alcoholic does NOT make me the taxi for you every weekend
No. I don't like you. I like your penis. Chin up. At least I like part of you.
I might be a bit longer... I found a hot guy at the grocery store, so I'm following him and buying stuff that he's buying
I'm doing my drinking workout. 20 pushups for each beer I finish. I should write a fucking book
Sooooooooooooo you woke up on a rooftop. Classy
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