The dog just did a longer kegstand than anyone at the party
Got kicked out of the baseball game with a 4 officer escort. Not bad for a monday night.
you kept insisting that i was jake gyllenhaal and you were heath ledger.
her idea of "friends with benefits" is her doing my laundry. i'm cool with it.
I'm crawling around naked in my room looking for my hairbrush. Just thought I'd put that image in your head.
Also. This Ativan makes me feel fearless. I think we need an exciting new hobby for when we take it. How do you feel about ghost hunting?
Today's goal is to get out of bed, before I take a shit. This might be hard
Pass or fail tho
it's just not right when you're boyfriend has a nicer ass than you do.
U have successfully fucked my brains out. I just almost put deodorant on like chapstick
FYI: Brian said he left me in the bathroom Friday night to shower and 45 minutes later found me with a towel around my head, my pants on and holding my boobs. No more Jell-O shots for me.
We need to make tonight low-budget
Is this your way of suggesting flasks?
I tried to avoid catching feelings but then he took me out to breakfast
Dude, some chick came over here earlier and thought my lube was hand sanitizer. She poured it all over her hands.
I just told my bowl "sorry" for putting it down, because I thought I hurt its feelings. omg. I'm high.
And on the 323rd day without sex, God finally said let there be light...or love?
Randomize
