Suite mates just came in and said that we have to go to Africa. They're already packed. Didn't know you could get that high.
You told the bartender you needed 2 beers, and a shot of his cum...
We're the kind of people who ruin family vacations
I was having trouble getting it up so she grabbed it and said "no, it's too big to fail"
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
I'm having a martini with dinner. A new level of class.
I'm stoned and eating mustard, also a new level of class.
You knew you'd end up at his house the minute you emptied the bowl of condoms into your purse.
The highlight was when a stranger was nose to nose with you threatening to kick ur ass, and you said "Is that your real face? Stopped him dead.
You have not lived until you've had your brains fucked out on a broken down Tunnel of Love ride. Life is good.
Is it bad that I'm using the photo I took for my fake ID as my linkedin profile pic?
I can't control his boners. I can only encourage them.
Thanks for ruining my life with your man penis
i could have got laid, but instead, i threw up in her hair. you can cross that off the bucket list.
she told me id be a great addition to their lesbian community and shes giving me sex eyes from across the room. come get me NOW
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
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